My son's father (J) and I were together from the time I was 16 until I was 22. We got pregnant (unplanned on birth-control) when I was 20, and had my son (G) when I was 21. From the time he was born, G was jaundiced and had colic. He quickly recovered from the jaundice, but continued to be very difficult in temperament and behavior.
J and I had very different ideas of parenting and I found myself and my decisions being constantly undermined. For example, I would feed, rock, and sing to G, then lay him in his crib, and as soon as he cried, J would go pick him up. J refused to change G's dirty diapers, was rarely home, and if I ever left to even go to the store, he would call me very quickly and tell me that G needed me back right away. J and I stayed together another year, but found that we could not be together, let alone, parent together. When I left, J was emotionally and verbally abusive, irresponsible, jobless, unfaithful, addicted to pornography, didn't take any responsibility around the house, only wanted to have fun. He spent all our money and completely sunk the business we owned together. I finally left him, and we agreed when we split that we would never take G away from each other.
Immediately after our split, J got a girlfriend (N) who is still in my son's life to this day. After I left him, J moved in with his parents, eventually got a job, and moved into a house that his grandmother owned. I was shocked and resentful that he was willing to take on some responsibility AFTER I left him. At first, G went back and forth between houses every other day. One of us would drop him off at daycare and the other would pick him up. It wasn't long before I decided to move to be closer to school (I was in college), and we changed our parenting arrangement to every other week. This likely impacted G in a negative way because now, he not only had 2 different households, but he also had 2 different child care centers. Just to make ends meet, I had to work a job in addition to being a full time student, which meant that I spent almost no time with my son.
After dating a number of men over a period of about 2 years trying to find the right match for me and my son, I was reunited with an old friend (of several years), who I came to believe was "the one". After dating for only 2 months, I moved in with him. This was another change that made G's life even harder. After a few months, I discovered that this person I was living with was not at all the person I had thought I knew for years. He was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. After a year of trying everything (including counseling), I moved out of his house and in with my mom. There is no doubt in my mind that this experience was yet another trauma my son did not need to endure.
I have since, bought my own condo, graduated college, got a stable job, and managed to take more control over my life, ultimately providing more consistency for G. Unfortunately, I do not get to see what happens when G is with his dad. I don't see the environment that is provided, but I do know that I can't control that environment, so there is no point in trying. I can just do my best to love and support him when he is with me.
G's behavior over the years has been EXTREMELY difficult, and he was given a diagnosis of "Oppositional Defiance Disorder". Some examples of his extreme behavior are tantrums (throwing himself on the ground, kicking and screaming), violence (biting, punching), foul language (he has told me to shut up, and "what the fuck"), running away, climbing out of his window when on time out, holding a butcher knife to his chest and threatening to "do it" then lunging at me with the knife, urinating on me, climbing out of his car seat and throwing it at me from the back seat while I'm driving, the list goes on.
I have tried EVERYTHING: counseling, parenting seminars, books, rewards, incentive charts, punishment, spanking, and physical restraint.
I am currently working on myself and my own self discipline, and I'm hoping that I can help G with his as well.
G also struggles academically. He is very intelligent, but reading is extremely difficult for him. In fact, last year, he tested in the 5th percentile nationwide for reading comprehension for his age group. Last summer, I had him in tutoring 4 days per week, and I currently have him in tutoring 4 days per week in addition to school. We also are going to get him tested for dyslexia (it's just a matter of getting the funds together). Once he is tested we will have a specialist work with him to learn to read better in the face of dyslexia.
Unfortunately, not much has changed in terms in J and my ability to co-parent. He (and now his girlfriend too) are still abusive, and harasses me and blame any and all of G's problems on me. He claims G doesn't ever act out at J's house (although G says otherwise), and constantly undermines me: moved his school without consulting with me. Schedules appointments with teachers and admin without including me, took me off the email list at the school so that I would not be informed of school events. He constantly tries to cut me out of G's life (although we have joint physical and legal custody-- 50/50). N sends me harassing and abusive emails and signs them from J on a regular basis. She consistently tries to tell me how to raise my son. This constant undermining and dissension between parents is only hurting G.
So I've come to the place where I can only deal with what happens here at this house, and that is what this blog is about. The attempts I'm making to be a better parent, the feelings I have about everything going on around it, and how my attempts effect G.
So come along for the ride. :)
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