Journal 10/27

It's been 3 days since my last post.  Here's the sum of things:

Sunday was Amazing with our new schedule and discipline system.  Not only was G cooperative and obedient, but he also went above and beyond and voluntarily washed all the dishes in the sink and reorganized the kitchen cupboards without being asked!  He was sweet and cooperative all night even when he went to bed.

Monday morning followed suit.  He woke up early, got totally dressed on his own, and we got out of the house without incident!  When we got home, I got a report from his teacher that he had a good day at school as well!  I was so proud of him, but within about an hour of being home, his behavior started to regress, and he threw a couple tantrums, threw himself on the floor, refused to go to boxing, and hit me for turning off the TV.  He lost 7 privileges off the list for those behaviors.  He finally calmed down and decided to cooperate again.  He told me he thinks he knows why he got so upset.  I asked him why, and he told me it was because his dad had shown up (on my custodial time without my knowledge or permission) at his morning sitters' house and driven him to school.  That seems to be a common denominator with his behavior.  When he sees his dad on my time, he acts out.  I'm not sure if he just misses him, if it's the disruption in the schedule, or what it is, but it's definitely an issue and an unnecessary complication.  I've has his dad multiple times to stop stepping in on my custodial time, but he continues to ignore me on this.  He went to bed last night without any issues (by then he had calmed down), but we did have to skip boxing because of his behavior.

This morning was a rough one as well.  He was throwing tantrums, didn't want to go to tutoring, complaining about the way his socks felt, and even tore up his schedule for the day.  I did manage to get him to tutoring/school only a few minutes late, but it was a fight.  I then had the privilege of being attacked via text all day by his father, and I even allowed him, at one point, to bring me to tears.  It is so difficult to try so hard to be a good mom, be constantly undermined in everything I do, then STILL get torn down and told I'm, not only a bad mother, but a crazy irrational person.  After I was done working, I called to talk to J on the phone rather than continue a text battle, but that turned out to be just as problematic as text, if not worse.  He was cussing at me, changing subjects frequently, telling me he knows "my game", etc.  He was basically acting all together paranoid, childish, and irrational, so I found talking on the phone is no better than texting.  It seems there is no means of communication with him that is productive.

This afternoon was better.  G got a good report from his teacher again today.  There was some whining from him here and there, but he was generally cooperative and followed instructions without much of an issue.  He even showered with little resistance (his least favorite responsibility).  I'm really proud of him.  I think he's responding pretty well to the behavior chart and schedule and I think if we keep it up, it will be pretty successful.

Tomorrow will be interesting because J scheduled an appointment for G during my custodial time knowing that I would be working, so he would be the one taking him to the appointment.  (Again, infringing on and disrupting my  custodial time with G).  Hopefully the afternoon will go okay, but I can't help but worry that he will have some behavior issues in the afternoon/evening as a result of this disruption.

All I can do, is keep loving my son, and keep setting boundaries.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Journal 10/24

Last night was a really rough one for G.  I spent most of today coming up with a behavior plan for him to use going forward because I can't just allow this behavior and sit by and have no plan of how to change it.  While I was doing a behavior plan, G was playing with neighbors in and out of the house.

Later in the day, I called him in to go run some errands and brought one of our neighbors with us.  When we went, both kids behaved TERRIBLY.  They wouldn't listen to anything I asked, they were touching everything in the store, running around, just very poorly behaved.  By the time I got home, I was more than upset with the behavior, so I told G that the neighbor needed to go home and he wouldn't be allowed to play with neighbors for the rest of the night.  He got mad.  Refused to come inside.  Kept telling me how I'm the meanest person ever, etc, etc, etc.  

I finally got him inside and started putting self-adhesive laminating sheets on his new daily schedule I had created while he sat in his room throwing a fit.  Throwing objects around the room.  Yelling at me, etc.  He came out and saw me "laminating" the schedule, and I messed up one of the pages and crumpled it up to throw it away.  He got super mad, threw a chair at me, took the purple juice on the table and dumped it everywhere (including on the papers), and I just lost control.  Up until that point I had been essentially ignoring his negative behavior, then I was so mad I smacked his butt, he then threw himself on the floor, and started crying about how I'm a jerk and he hates me.  He tried to run out of the house, I wouldn't let him.  Although he needed a wake up call, I felt really bad for hitting him.  It didn't solve anything and I just responded to his violence with more violence.  

I picked him up and carried him to his room (he was kicking and hitting me, and kicking the walls on the way) and sat him down in his room and told him to stay there until he calms down.  He said no, and I can't make him.  I told him he had about 1 minute to choose whether he wanted to calm down, eat dinner, and shower, or if he wanted me to force him to shower without dinner (showers generally calm him down).  

He started yelling at me "I want dinner, I want dinner, I want dinner..." I heated up some spaghetti (his favorite food) and he was crying that he hates spaghetti and doesn't want that.  He wants something else.  He sat at the table staring at his food and yelling at me about how he didn't want that for a good 10 minutes while I did dishes and tidied up the house and repeatedly told him that if he was hungry, he could eat the spaghetti.  

He started crying and saying he hates being this angry, isn't there medicine to help him.  I told him there is, but he would have to talk to his "talking doctor" (what we call his therapist) about it.  He didn't like that idea, and said he just wanted something from the store because he hates talking to talking doctors.  He finally ate the spaghetti, and calmed down a little, and after some fighting (but not having to physically force him), I got him to shower and scrub his body, after which he calmed down entirely.  He got his pajamas on, brushed his teeth, and wanted to spend some time with me.  I spent time with him creating a project on "paint" on the computer, then prayed with him, and put him to bed.

His moods are so unstable and I worry so much about him.  I've suggested more then once that I suspect that he may be bipolar, but his father doesn't want to hear it, and the doctors don't want to diagnose it until they hit puberty, but his behavior is so extreme I can't help but wonder.  Needless to say, I'm glad he's in bed, I'm exhausted, and I hate seeing him hurt the way he does.  I'm going to set up another appointment with his therapist ASAP.  I want him to get help and be happy.  I don't want his life to be so miserable so young.  He truly doesn't believe that he can control his emotions or behavior and it breaks my heart.  

So that was today.  Tomorrow we're trying out the new schedule and behavior checklist.  Hopefully it will help.  

My parenting experience thus far

All names are abbreviated to maintain anonymity

My son's father (J) and I were together from the time I was 16 until I was 22.  We got pregnant (unplanned on birth-control) when I was 20, and had my son (G) when I was 21.  From the time he was born, G was jaundiced and had colic.  He quickly recovered from the jaundice, but continued to be very difficult in temperament and behavior.  

J and I had very different ideas of parenting and I found myself and my decisions being constantly undermined.  For example, I would feed, rock, and sing to G, then lay him in his crib, and as soon as he cried, J would go pick him up.  J refused to change G's dirty diapers, was rarely home, and if I ever left to even go to the store, he would call me very quickly and tell me that G needed me back right away.  J and I stayed together another year, but found that we could not be together, let alone, parent together.  When I left, J was emotionally and verbally abusive, irresponsible, jobless, unfaithful, addicted to pornography, didn't take any responsibility  around the house, only wanted to have fun.  He spent all our money and completely sunk the business we owned together.  I finally left him, and we agreed when we split that we would never take G away from each other.  

Immediately after our split, J got a girlfriend (N) who is still in my son's life to this day.  After I left him, J moved in with his parents, eventually got a job, and moved into a house that his grandmother owned.  I was shocked and resentful that he was willing to take on some responsibility AFTER I left him.  At first, G went back and forth between houses every other day.  One of us would drop him off at daycare and the other would pick him up.  It wasn't long before I decided to move to be closer to school (I was in college), and we changed our parenting arrangement to every other week.  This likely impacted G in a negative way because now, he not only had 2 different households, but he also had 2 different child care centers.  Just to make ends meet, I had to work a job in addition to being a full time student, which meant that I spent almost no time with my son.  

After dating a number of men over a period of about 2 years trying to find the right match for me and my son, I was reunited with an old friend (of several years), who I came to believe was "the one".  After dating for only 2 months, I moved in with him.  This was another change that made G's life even harder.  After a few months, I discovered that this person I was living with was not at all the person I had thought I knew for years.  He was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive.  After a year of trying everything (including counseling), I moved out of his house and in with my mom.  There is no doubt in my mind that this experience was yet another trauma my son did not need to endure.  

I have since, bought my own condo, graduated college, got a stable job, and managed to take more control over my life, ultimately providing more consistency for G.  Unfortunately, I do not get to see what happens when G is with his dad.  I don't see the environment that is provided, but I do know that I can't control that environment, so there is no point in trying.  I can just do my best to love and support him when he is with me. 

G's behavior over the years has been EXTREMELY difficult, and he was given a diagnosis of "Oppositional Defiance Disorder".  Some examples of his extreme behavior are tantrums (throwing himself on the ground, kicking and screaming), violence (biting, punching), foul language (he has told me to shut up, and "what the fuck"), running away, climbing out of his window when on time out, holding a butcher knife to his chest and threatening to "do it" then lunging at me with the knife, urinating on me, climbing out of his car seat and throwing it at me from the back seat while I'm driving, the list goes on.  

I have tried EVERYTHING:  counseling, parenting seminars, books, rewards, incentive charts, punishment, spanking, and physical restraint.  

I am currently working on myself and my own self discipline, and I'm hoping that I can help G with his as well. 

G also struggles academically.  He is very intelligent, but reading is extremely difficult for him.  In fact, last year, he tested in the 5th percentile nationwide for reading comprehension for his age group. Last summer, I had him in tutoring 4 days per week, and I currently have him in tutoring 4 days per week in addition to school.  We also are going to get him tested for dyslexia (it's just a matter of getting the funds together).  Once he is tested we will have a specialist work with him to learn to read better in the face of dyslexia.     

Unfortunately, not much has changed in terms in J and my ability to co-parent.  He (and now his girlfriend too) are still abusive, and harasses me and blame any and all of G's problems on me.  He claims G doesn't ever act out at J's house (although G says otherwise), and constantly undermines me: moved his school without consulting with me.  Schedules appointments with teachers and admin without including me, took me off the email list at the school so that I would not be informed of school events.  He constantly tries to cut me out of G's life (although we have joint physical and legal custody-- 50/50).  N sends me harassing and abusive emails and signs them from J on a regular basis.  She consistently tries to tell me how to raise my son. This constant undermining and dissension between parents is only hurting G.

So I've come to the place where I can only deal with what happens here at this house, and that is what this blog is about.  The attempts I'm making to be a better parent, the feelings I have about everything going on around it, and how my attempts effect G.  

So come along for the ride.  :)

Privileges to be earned or taken away based on behavior

Concrete expectations and consequences are so important with my son. I made some charts to list privileges he can earn and lose, and behaviors to warrant those gains and losses. I made it in a kid friendly format so that he can understand very clearly what kinds of behaviors earn privileges verses what kinds of behaviors lose those privileges. 

Privileges and Behavior

Privileges to be earned or taken away based on behavior

Privilege	(picture)
I-Pad
Music
T.V.
Video Games
Movies
Bike
Skateboard
Friends
Out-door play
In-door play
Library
Yummy Snacks (sweets, chips, flavored drinks: EXTRAS)
All Extra Food (anything in excess of meat, bread,            fruit/veggies, and water)
Weekend Day Trips (beach, pumpkin patch, etc)
Park
Toys/games
Special events (holidays, birthday parties, etc)
All items in room except the bed, 1 blanket, 1 pillow, and lamp
Bedroom door
Clothes (any clothes except school uniform)
Shoe choice

Behaviors that earn and keep privileges

Behavior	Picture
Following instructions
Following Schedule
Doing Chores
Being Kind to people, animals, and objects
Doing homework without complaint Showering
Talking about feelings
Showing gratitude
Reading
Doing all responsibilities and commitments

Behaviors that lose privileges

Behavior	Picture
Disobeying
Not following schedule or doing responsibilities
Not doing Chores
Being unkind with words or actions
Complaining or whining
Being Destructive
Being Violent
Saying Bad Words
Being Defiant or disrespectful